When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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