i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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