I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
