The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
