There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
