I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
