dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
