remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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