two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
