very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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