Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
