she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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