I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
