this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
