Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
