The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
