Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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