Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
