I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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