We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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