I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
