I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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