ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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