I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
