can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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