WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
