Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
