Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
