i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
