I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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