all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize