Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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