my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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