So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize