the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
