I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
