she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
