she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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