i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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