So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize