She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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