Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
