Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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