Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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