Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
