how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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