I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
