it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
