he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
