Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
