When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
