How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
