Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Come see our sink grown plant.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
