My hand turned me down
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
