nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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