What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize