I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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