I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Im part way to drunk.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
