my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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